'Good Morning Madam' Voco Alarm Clock with Stephen Fry

Instead of the shrill and insistent beep of ordinary clocks, the first thing you hear from the Voco is . . . gentle birdsong. This is followed by a discreet cough, then the comforting words "Good morning madam . . .". and, a few seconds later, a soothing message from Stephen Fry.

The clock has over 150 messages, recorded exclusively by Stephen Fry for Voco on high quality audio chips. (We're not just saying that - they *are* the best audio chips you can get for this sort of thing, and the sound quality is astounding.) Examples of some of the messages are transcribed below (imagine them in Fry's most mellifluous tones).

The clock itself has a handsome classical design. Its wooden casing is handfinished in black lacquer, it has a glass front, and a nifty pop-up light for late-night checks. It is reassuringly heavy - the same as the Anthony Beevor's 'Stalingrad'.

All in all, the Voco clock makes a wonderful present. It is smart, original, functional and, as you'd expect from anything associated with Stephen Fry, rather droll.

- Good morning, Madam. Let me draw the curtains and pour your tea. There are two little croissants from your special supplier which have no calories whatsoever. In the pots is a special sort of jam that consumes more calories than it produces. Eating it actually makes you thin.

- Good morning, Madam. The prime minister has telephoned twice this morning but I told him you were not to be disturbed. He needs your advice, he says. May I say, he really needs your advice. Forgive the personal note, if I may be so bold.�

- Good morning, Madam. The current issue of Vogue has devoted its editorial to your sense of style, purpose, beauty and personal grandeur. It may be advisable to use the rear entrance today, Madam, to avoid the crowds.

- Good morning, Madam. Your physician rang again, he says your physical health needs immediate attention. It is his clinical advice that you purchase a series of new shoes. If you fail to complete the course, Madam, he says he cannot answer for the consequences.

- Good morning, Madam. A group of young men have appeared with guitars. They seem to be gondoliers who have been drawn here by your reputation. From Venice, Madam. They are singing that your beauty is such that if you do not favour them with your smile this morning they will erupt into flames and perish as they sing of your transcendental allure. Your tea has been poured, Madam.

- Good morning, Madam. Your horoscope is extremely pleasing this morning. It appears that all shall be well and that all manner of things shall be well. You have only to persist in your natural way and the world will succumb to your wishes.

- Good morning, Madam. It appears you may need to frighten some people at work. Shall I put out your Chanel suit with the Louboutin shoes? Or the Giorgio Armani? Very good, Madam.

- Good morning, Madam. I have drawn a bath for you. The room is scented. Your breakfast is being prepared by cook. Fresh flowers have been placed in all the reception rooms and the water of yesterday's flowers has been changed. The house awaits your arrival, Madam.

- Good morning, Madam. The beauty editor of Vogue would like to write a biography of your hair. She said she is channeling Rimbaud in order to find sufficient vocabulary. Arthur Rimbaud, 1854 to 1891. French symbolist poet. Not the tortured veteran played by . . . the actor whose name escapes me.

- Good morning, Madam. An aethereal message, Madam, from my aunt Estremella. She reports a recent conversation with Rameses II. It appears that he is looking down at you from the confines of eternity and wishes very much you had been alive in his day in order that he might have made you Queen of all he surveyed. I agree, Madam, his career was often marred by over-confidence.